Don’t Eat That

It has become incessantly annoying how I can no longer go food shopping without the fat police slapping stupid wheels of information on the packaging of my chosen item. Telling me that in fact my desired product is basically an edible cigarette, for if I eat it I am going over my daily allowance of god knows what. Meaning that deaths grip on me has become that little bit firmer.

The people who read these with actual interest tend to already be of a slightly rotund nature, so the ship has already sailed. Chow down is what I say.

For a packet of biscuits to inform me there is too much sugar in them, is like the ocean sending me an e-mail to inform me it contains a high percentage of water. If my demanded packet of biscuits didn’t have enough sugar in them I would be more annoyed. They are biscuits! I want them to be nice. Not a bland disc that resembles more of a coaster that it does edible object.

‘This cake contains five times your recommended daily allowance of butter.’ Good! It’s a cake!

Stop telling me in your wheel of doom that the food I want is terrible. When I am wallowing in front of my television having swallowed the remote control for the nineteenth time, having mistaken it for an éclair, then you can sort my diet out. If people are genuinely so thick we have reached the point where we have to highlight what foods have too much sugar in, then I fear for our planet down the lines.

We are reminded that every terrible thing we eat, smoke or drink costs the NHS excessive amounts of money each year. That is why no one that works for the NHS does any of these things. It is only us ingrates that munch on venomous cakes and drink poisonous flavoured beverages.

We already have health warnings on cigarettes, just in case you had some wild vision that they are actually good for you. We now plaster our foods with basic information to make you feel worse about finding any enjoyment in your existence, by highlighting your gluttony.

It seems wherever we turn these days someone is telling us how to be better. How we can improve. How not to be so awful. Give up. We are humans. We have been awful for thousands of years and will continue to be so. So at least let us have a mars bar in peace.

Time for me to make a castle out of chocolate fingers, fill the bath with whipped cream and gorge myself in all that is awful. I will make sure I leave the NHS a tip for coming to rescue me though.

Weather or Not I Care

The Weather

The most increasingly dull topic. So much so, that if we all put a penny in a jar every time we mentioned it, we could have, as a global society, saved enough money to build a new planet from scratch. Then ultimately destroy this new habitat, by draining it of all its natural resources, creating items that take sixty one million years to dissolve. Then we run out of space under the bed to hide this plethora of garbage we have accumulated, so we have to burn it, which leads to toxic gas’s entering our air and giving us all cancer. Well it might not.  But it could. Everything gives us cancer apparently, so it is easy to dump anything we dislike as a cause for the already hugely unpopular cancer.  Just typing this blog is giving me finger, eye, ass and lung cancer according to the research I didn’t do yesterday but sold to a national publication for them to lap up and propaganda the nation with it.

There is some obsession in our media to portray an impending doom, so perhaps this is why we as a society, decide to attempt to ignore this consistently cynical and gloomy outlook by discussing that wonderful subject of weather.

I find myself drawn into this forever eye wateringly, mind numbing, yawn inducing subject. It is the perfect silence filler. For one, you have to look elsewhere, not at this lump of flesh that claims to be a person in front of. So it appears that you have taken in your surroundings and have attempted to grasp the idea of a more intellectual conversation but you haven’t. Furthermore it is there. Every day and night. Weather goes nowhere. So we discuss it

.

You can discuss it with anyone as well; it is one of the events in every person’s daily existence that has some bearing on their day. So with this in mind you would think we could create a moment of intriguing conversation out of the topic but all we end up with is completely futile and blasé statements.

‘Oh the rain this morning was terrible.’ ‘It’s too hot.’ ‘Did you hear that wind last night?’

The responses though are just as meaningless and have no bearing on the other person’s life.

‘Yes I did hear the rain, it was quite awful.’ ‘I am also very hot.’’ I can’t believe how windy it was.’

Sorry, I actually smacked my head against the keyboard as I drifted into a weather related coma. After thousands of years of existence (or however many years your god or favourite scientist believes we have been on this planet)  we should not be dragging our fellow humans through these conversations.

So next time you see yourself silence filling with weather chat, leave the room immediately and punish yourself by watching sixty seven straight hours of nothing but weather reports. Then see how fucking interesting it is too listen to weather chat.

Chav

If you can’t beat them, be them, apparently.

I cannot fathom why on earth anyone would be, as the media like to call them, ‘a chav.’ The most unpleasant of personalities that this country, let alone the world, possesses. I mean if I am on a bus or in a bar and a fuck faced twat chav appears, I don’t think to myself, ‘oh what a pleasant person they look like, I hope they sit next to me.’ I think, how much money have I got on me and is it enough that it will upset me when the eventual mugging occurs.

Not only do they dress to un-impress they also decide to adopt the attitude of I am so unbelievably cool that everything I say has to be at 5 decibels louder than necessary. As if anything that drivels out their mouths is so important that anyone in the vicinity should know about it anyway. It’s usually goes along the line of ‘oi mate’ followed by a few carefully chosen swear words and some highly unintelligent comment about some pathetically inane subject that they feel is of such importance, we all need to hear it.

In these people’s heads do they really feel everyone listening is actually impressed? Whenever one of these cretins enters any establishment at full volume all you will see around you is a Mexican wave of regular people, uncomfortably shuffling in their chairs and trying their best to avoid eye contact with these lumbering idiots.

What I don’t understand is why? No one likes chavs. No one. So why in the hell would you be one. Why would you behave in this absolutely ridiculous, unsociable and ignorant manner?

Do these people actually enjoy their lives? Do they actually feel this tracksuit; hand in trousers look is enchanting? Is being socially inept, unless surrounded by others of the same warped sense of grandeur, really that much fun?

I am perplexed by the fact despite being loathed by the majority of society they somehow keep re populating and raising the next generation of loathsome creatures that will roam our streets and make the place unpleasant.

I feel there must be some recessive gene in all of these people as no sane person would ever behave in this manner. Anyway I am off to JD sports to buy a tracksuit, stick my right hand down my trousers, walk up my street, talking at the top of my voice about what a god I am. 

TigheRade

If I fall asleep now I will have three hours sleep. If I fall asleep now I will have….

If I fall asleep now I will have three hours sleep. If I fall asleep now I will have….

One of the most irritating features I find in human existence is our constant need for sleep. We spend half our lives and actually probably more than that; in a slumber (Lazy fuckers spend even more time). Imagine how much more you could pack into a day without sleep and no tiredness. Knowing us as humans though, we would waste these extra hours but the option would be nice. Disappointingly though, the human body relies on us sleeping.

This TigheRade is dedicated to anyone who is still up at 6am after spending a night frivolously counting sheep, staring into the dark abyss above your bed or constantly checking the time, just to work out just exactly how many minutes of sleep you would gain, if all of a sudden you were too remarkably drop into a deep sleep at that exact moment. Almost as if we continually tell our brain how fucking tired we are going to be tomorrow unless it switches off, then it will finally cave and let us drift into dreamland, where all our real friends live and we are all better than the person we are in reality.

The only reason to count how many hours sleep we would achieve is, self-torture. Already in bed, awake, when we don’t want to be, we decide to then remind ourselves just how much sleep we won’t be achieving in this blanket fidgeting, roll-a-thon we are having in our beds.

We will go to any lengths to try and help induce sleep. Read, watch tele, try any sleeping position known to man, move the pillows, write a blog, try the floor for comfort, open the window, try the bed again, remove duvet from the equation, close the window, turn light on, reintegrate duvet into the bed, light off, count sheep, count dead sheep due to murderous rage now in your head and also it appears that the sheep had been starting to mock you.

Despite the fact you know tomorrow is now an absolute write off or an immense struggle through your daily routine is encroaching, there is one key fact that can make having trouble sleeping worse. The fuck face that is sound asleep next too you!

Now if you are one of these fortune people who have a regular visitor to your sleeping bag or even a permanent one, then you will understand. It is rather frustrating to be wide awake, unable to achieve sleep, with someone snoring away next to you and looking all too content as if they are purposely taunting you in their sleep.

As you can see by the timing of this post, it is safe to say I didn’t wake up early and put this on here.

Thanks for reading TigheRade

Silence is Golden and Expected

Silence is golden and expected

Numerous trips to my local GP, post office, shop or various other locations I have visited, tend to end in one of the human races biggest pet hates. The dreaded wait in line. The amount of hours of my yet to be explained existence that I have wasted gazing into the back of somebody’s head are countless. Imagine if I was a pornstar, the sheer volume of backs of heads I would have seen would be tripled at least.

So amongst these mind numbing queues we end up in there are also the occasions were travel also takes up our precious time. The trouble is with these time consuming events is they are incredibly dull and a nuisance we are unfortunately unable to side step. The good news is at least these tasks are in public, so we are not alone. Yet we are!

Talking in a waiting room is basically frowned upon. You cannot in England just start chatting to a complete stranger in a sober environment. What the fuck are you crazy? They would probably think so and obviously if a perfect stranger decided to spark up a conversation with you in one of these situations you would immediately jump to the Great British conclusion that they must be a psychopath or, so detached from how to act in social spaces that they have forgotten the no talking rule.

Awkward smiles, friendly nods, minimal eye contact are acceptable. You can run the risk of a joke but you are then teetering on the edge of the other person automatically deciding you have just got out of a hospice within in one sentence.

There is one loophole though. If you are one of these people who decide to attempt a conversation with a stranger in one of the before mentioned scenarios, it has to be negative. I.e. this weather is crap isn’t it or for god sake these people are taking forever. Never can it be anything remotely positive for then we return to the other person automatically thinking you have deluded your reality because you have decided to share something that embarks on a slightly happy tangent. 

Smiling when in these places is an absolute no. Unless aimed at someone but it cannot appear too ecstatic for this of course is weird. It must be understated and be only a slight indication of a smile otherwise the surrounding area you are in will combust and everyone in the shop will become a violent criminal due to you and your disgustingly joyful look.

So let’s recap. Talking to strangers can only be done if it is negative towards the situation you are both in. Trying to salvage the incredibly tedious place you are in by attempting to connect with the others around you is just not accepted. Just like smiling to yourself is not because this makes others more aware of you and what is the point when they are not going to talk to you anyway, plus smiling makes you look distinctly insane when on your own.

Till next time

TigheRade

Status

The internet is an ocean of porn, videos of cats being cute and blogs. Given this list I decided that maybe it was about time I added my own pointless piece of nonsense into the world wide web. Seeing as I don’t have my own cat and have not quite reached the point of my life where I want to make a porn and post it online for all to see, I went for the safer option of a blog.

For the first one I have decided to mock the actual website I am posting this on, Facebook. So this is TigheRade look at THE TOP 3 ANNOYING FACEBOOK STATUS’S.

Quite frankly, if I received a text off a friend telling me, ‘I have just had a marmite sandwich and about to brush my teeth and go to bed,’ I would not respond. Actually, if I did, the reply would go along the lines of, ’What in the f**k would make me give a s**t about that.’

Who would even send that in a text anyway? It is only since facebook became more important than oxygen that people have started to find it nescecary to pass the most tedious moments of their day onto us. ‘I am sitting at a bus stop, the bus is late and its really cold, FML.’ Wow, what a f**cking news flash that is. Yes I agree being cold and waiting for an inevitably late bus is a dull and irritating experience. What is actually beyond dull is the fact you believe your friends on facebook want to know how boring your day has been.

So my TOP 3 (In no particular order) ANNOYING FACEBOOK STATUS’S ARE :

Number 1 :

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The classic sad face status which obviously implies something has gone wrong in the persons life. Unfortunately this face does not tell me a story only invites a barrage of generic comments underneath. ‘Hope you are okay babe.’ As if the, ‘babe,’ enhances that comment. As if it shows the pure adulation they have for this sad faced miserable twat bag, who is attempting to draw attention to their minor personal f**king crisis with a stupid status.  Or the ‘whats up’ comment which generally makes me want to kill and shout no repeatedly into my laptop. Due to the fact that this stupid emoticon of someone that is sad, is just begging for someone to ask that inane question of ‘whats up.’ If your sad do what everyone else does. Draw the curtains, turn the lights off, put Coldplay on, cry into a pillow. Sorted.

Number 2 :

I love my boyfriend/girlfriend so much!

Really? F**cking really? I would never have guessed that rubix cube of information would I. I think the world would assume that if you are in a relationship with someone then you probably would f**king love them wouldn’t you? Either that or you are sadist who also enjoys a brief bit of swinging cats around by their tails after lying to your long term partner about the serious commitment you don’t really give a s**t about. I think even with my small brain capacity I can work out that you and your partner are in love and that is just wonderful for you but I don’t need to read about it. I am sure you can manage to keep those feelings from thrusting out of you long enough that you can actually pass this information on to this other half face to face.  Putting it on facebook dooes not mean you love each other more and when you eventually tire of each other I will sit on my high horse and laugh, because, I can. Then like all these I love you so much status’s you have irritated me with.

Number 3

Having the best night!

Clearly you are not having the best night. On my best nights, I think I have actually lost my phone due to the fact I am enjoying myself so much I don’t really care where it f**king is. If your night is so god dam exciting then why the hell are you on your stupid phone updating your facebook status? I will tell you why, because you are not actually any fun.

So I leave you with a question? What Facebook status annoys you the most?

Leave your answers on the FB page and keep your eyes open for the next TigheRade.